5 Simple Steps to Rebuild Your Life (My Story)

Sometimes in our lives we all have pain, we all have sorrow. But if we are wise we know that there's always tomorrow. Did you sing that in your head? Gotcha! But in all seriousness, throughout our lives, there will be a good amount of shit times. Okay, I didn't plan for that to rhyme either it just happened. ANYWAY. What I'm trying to say is that it's not about what happens, but how you repair from it. Below is my personal guide to rebuilding your life in 5 simple steps.

5 Simple Steps to Rebuild Your Life

1. Start from the floor: We all know 99% of these rock bottom moments start on a floor somewhere. Any floor will do really. The bedroom would be the most logical. Though I've heard of the bathroom floor being a popular one too..
   
   Requirements: Be the most miserable, negative-minded, anxious, lonely and broken person to be around. And then times that by 6,482,209. You are a prisoner to your mind and you cannot escape.


2. Quit your shitty job. Yeah, that weird feeling in your gut that you've made the wrong decision in taking that travel agent job? It's right. Those people are toxic. Quit TODAY. And know that you made the right decision when your ex-boss fires the other new girl half an hour after you resign.


3. Revive an old friendship. You need a friend for what you're about to endure. Preferably someone who knows you and supports you whole-heartedly. Someone you can talk to who is outside of the situation and who can offer advice when you get too inside your head.


4. Get dumped. He tried everything to make you happy. But he can't fix a problem that isn't his. He believes that this is the only thing left that will make both you and him happy again. Reality hits and in that moment you muster up the balls to fight for what you had. He agrees to give it a shot and now you have regular panic attacks that he's going to leave again.
   
   
   You start a new job as a children's programme manager. Have a panic attack in the bathroom on your first week. Vow to get back up and give it 150%. Notice that over time the more you stay busy and put all of your focus and energy into your work, the less time you have to feel anxious.
   
   You listen to Tony Robbins on repeat. He's your lifeline right now. The stuff he talks about.. your mindset.. it makes a lot of sense.
   
   When you go to your sister-in-laws 30th birthday, you watch everyone effortlessly function like normal human beings. Laughing, joking and conversing. You start to feel like you're being suffocated and have to leave abruptly. You roam the streets, inhaling as much oxygen as possible until you find a library to sit outside of. You cry in the dark for an hour.
   
   Relaying the events to your friend the next day, you wonder if it ever will get better. She assures you, it will.
   
   You attend a workshop about foundational brain development and find yourself sitting at the edge of your seat, 100% engaged for the entire session. You want to ask the speaker a million and one questions but you chicken out and leave early.
   
   You're starting to enjoy your work. It's becoming a lot more fun to be there. You make a new friend and his positive enthusiastic attitude helps you to be more conscious of your attitude. He prints a quote you posted on facebook and pins it above your desk to help remind you to stay positive. It's starting to seem like your mindset has a lot to do with everything.
   
   A lot of opportunities are coming to you through work. You're doing so well you're asked to take over another programme at a different center. You decline because you've realized that your work place has become a place of healing. And the more you heal, the stronger you feel, and the stronger you feel, the happier you become, and the happier you become, the stronger your relationship gets.
   
   
   Finally you move out of your tiny mould infested rental that made you sick over the winter and move into a beautiful large home by the sea. Every day you wake up to a view of mountains and ocean and notice that you don't feel as tense as you did in the previous house. It feels like the house has magical powers. Every day you spend time admiring the view and oddly enough it helps you feel better.
   
   You decide to start an online business, and begin experimenting with blogging about different topics.
   
   Your workload has become overwhelming. You're stressing out a lot. Your boss catches you at the wrong moment and you burst into that ugly uncontrollable cry in front of him. You tell him you don't think you can do the work anymore. He sits with you until you let it all out. You're humiliated. He gives you words of encouragement and suggests you to relax a little more about everything. You pick yourself up and vow once again to keep at it, and to take it easier.
   
   
   Attending several more workshops about brain development, psychology and neuro linguistics. You're starting to connect the dots. You realize you have an actual passion for this. You, Elise McDowell, find the study of the brain and how it works fascinating. You decide to commit to learning more about the mind, and more particularly how your mindset affects your life. You also start to introduce more info about mindset into your blogging. People seem to enjoy what you have to say.
   
   You sang Bohemian Rhapsody to each other in bed last night. Something you haven't done in over a year. A sign that you're both in a really good place. He tells you that he's really happy, and most of all how happy he is to see you happy again. You kiss and embrace.
   
   You're laughing all the time now and smiling feels normal again. You're listening to music, reading books, spending time outdoors in nature. You've even started playing sports again. And  best of all, you've started socializing again! Something you never thought you'd ever be able to do again because it made you crazy anxious. You're going out to lunches, birthdays, markets, festivals, movies and coffee dates with friends. Your happiness has improved greatly since you found more balance with work. Life feels full.
   
   
   You wake up on a stormy Sunday morning. He's lying next to you. You snuggle in a little closer. Seventeen months have passed since that bedroom floor moment. You can't help but reflect on how far you have come, how much you've grown and how much wiser you are for it. Through the darkness, you found yourself again. And then it hits you. All this time you thought you were fighting for your relationship, but it turns out you were actually fighting for yourself. And you won. You saved yourself. You've become your own hero.


5. Stay away from low-quality people. You are the average of the 5 people you spend the most time with.

Simple, right?

Have you had to rebuild your life? What are some lessons you learned during this time?

Elise xo

What's your unspoken relationship rule?

One thing I love about us is we instinctively know when we need to step up each other.

Like for instance, the other day - oh, who am I kidding - yesterday, it was the day from hell. All my plans and ideas shattered to smithereens - and all before lunch time might I add. I was so defeated, like a 7-year-old who just lost his 10th consecutive little league game. I just wanted to nail all the doors in my house shut, blind the light beaming into my room and hide under the sheets until the day was surely gone.

I moped and even added in a flood of tears for dramatic effect. I was relishing my victim mode. But no matter how much I tried to stay a victim, I couldn't.

Why?

Because Scott and I have an unspoken rule, that when one is spiralling downwards, the other becomes the strength to lead them back up.

So he picked me up off the bed (literally picked me up like I was 7-years-old), wiped away my tears, gave me a loving pep talk, helped me problem solve and instilled the courage within me that I needed to face this day.

Because in a relationship, sometimes you've gotta be the parent, the teacher, the therapist, the tough guy and the one that leads the way (even if you don't actually know the way).

I love this about us.


What's your unspoken relationship rule? Do you have one? Does it make your relationship stronger?

xo

What are your views on cheating & affairs?

Could you do it?

Would the guilt eat you alive?

What if he did it?

Would you ever trust him again?

That's my biggest concern here.

Love, and even forgiveness can be won back. But trust? That is something that takes years to build - and only moments to obliterate.

How could you carry on being with someone whom you love, yes. Whom you have forgiven, yes. But who you do not trust?

The anxiety. The isolation. The guilt you would feel.

I couldn't continue on like that. Always on edge. I'd have to end it.

What about you? What are your views on cheating and affairs? Are you a forgiver or an ass-kicker?

xo

Is Your Relationship A Train-Wreck?

Once a year I like to watch one of my favourite movies of all time and absolutely ball my eyes out. The movie I speak of is called P.S I love you. I think you may have heard of it?

It's that movie that makes us book the next flight to Ireland in search of any man that looks like Gerard Butler and Jeffrey Dean Morgan to sweep us off our feet. Drool. Coincidentally my boyfriend just so happens to be tall, dark, sexy as hell, Irish and handsome. Jackpot baby!

But as much as we'd LOVE to have a relationship as profound as Holly's and Gerry's, the painful truth is that relationships don't just happen like that.

My early 20s conversations with my girlfriends were a mixtape of how miserable I was being in love with somebody who didn't love me back, how much I knew he was it or how if I just did this or said that or declared this, everything would change.

Needless to say my love life was a train-wreck.

Not long ago when I felt the fear of losing my current relationship due to my own insecurity (again), I had only two options.

1) Let the fear barrage through me & lose my relationship.

2) Ignore my habituated victim-mode, grab the reins & take action.

Can you tell which option I took?

Instead of crying myself to sleep, asking my boyfriend if he really loved me for the millionth time and picturing ways I would get back at him for "hurting me", I did the unthinkable. I went out and got a life.

I took the bull by it's balls and I got my ass to work. I declared to myself that there was no way in HELL I was gonna lose this relationship to the same self-sabotaging pattern again! The only way that would happen is if someone cheats, comes out of the closet or dies because this relationship was NOT ending because I was too needy.

So I googled every fear I had and ways to overcome it, I read a ton of books on love, sex and relationships, I sought out counseling, I joined a tennis club, I signed up to dance classes, I auditioned for a theatre show and I hung out with my friends more often.

And you know what getting a life did to my relationship? It made it f**king solid. We became closer, more intimate, more free with each other and best of all eliminated ALL neediness. Victory! Now we are happier, stronger and more in love than ever!

I turned my fear and my insecurity into a f**king EPIC love story. I took control and I changed my fate.

Is your relationship heading down a similar path? Or is it already a train-wreck? Ask yourself:

How can I take back the reins and turn my relationship into a f**king EPIC love story?

You deserve an AMAZING relationship filled with so much love, you have the power to change it into something OUTSTANDING, so no more depriving yourself of that okay?

If you're craving connection, join that book club and make some new friends. If you're pining for companionship, volunteer at an animal shelter. If you're missing familiarity, create a new boundary of comfortable. And if you're longing for excitement, dust off your bucket list and go and explore the world.

Now it's your turn: In the comments below, tell me one thing you're gonna do to start making your relationship an EPIC love story. I can't wait to hear your ideas!

"I want LOVE but there is NO decent guy in sight!"

Hands up if this is what you believe.. Holla! This was me a few years ago - no kidding.

I have had many a time where I have pleaded with god, buddha, the universe, some fucking goatherd in the Himalayas to just send me a man full of love to give (because I. just. couldn't. give it to myself).

And every single time without fail, I got the guy that was NOT full of the good lovin' and had way. too. many. issues going on.

Argh. Is this you now? Maybe it's just barren land with no sign of life on the horizon.. Or maybe there IS something (or someone) but you seem to have developed expert repelling powers..

Oy vey, what's a girl to do?

Time to chill out and get off the hate train.

I yearned for a loving relationship for sooo damn long, but the truth was that deep down I didn't even like men. I thought they were liars and cheats and I treated them like they were.

Seriously attractive.

I guarded myself, I was hurtful with my words and I was unkind in many ways even if I was "only joking".

I was working in America at the time when a guy I hardly knew started chatting to me one day and asked, "Elise, why are you so mean to guys?".

I had no idea what he was talking about.

"What? I'm not mean to guys."

"Do you not like men?"

"Yeah of course, why?"

"You have a really strange way of showing it."

"What do you mean?"

"Insults, little digs here and there and making fun.."

"Huh? Oh noooo, I'm just joking when I do that!"

"Yeah well, next time think about what you say and do because it actually hurts and no one wants to be around someone that constantly makes them feel bad."

Triple slap in the face.

I thought this was INSANE because all I wanted was a relationship!

That was the start of my journey to healing myself and the vicious self-sabotaging pattern I had.

It took months and months of work on myself to get me into a better feeling place about myself. And coincidentally that's when the magic started to happen!

I met men of all kinds! Funny, kind, sensitive and just so much fun to be around. And best of all? They all dug the hell outta me, Cause I dug myself. Woo!

So if you just saw a lot of yourself in there but what you really want to manifest is a loving relationship, here's what I want you to start working on.

Practice kindness with your word and actions.

I'm sure you will have seen what positive words do to a child. Telling a little innocent being that their crazy blue squiggle painting is the most AMAZING thing you've ever seen on the entire planet makes their whole spirit shine.

And guess what? You're still that same being!

Practice kindness towards yourself: It could be whispering sweet self love mantras to yourself when you're resting, it could be showering yourself with love by taking a relaxing bath, letting the self-berating go for once or making yourself a beautiful gift like a chocolate cake!

Practice kindness with others (especially men): Give compliments, express affection, if you meet a guy that seems 'SO not your type' - be grateful to have at least met him. Use your words and actions as imaginary hugs, not swords.

Manifesting a beautiful, loving and honest relationship was sooooooo far out of reach because the only vibration I was giving off was that 'I'm not worth my own love so feel free to come and shit all over me'.

It took me learning to be kinder to myself first to start healing my own wounds. And from that I was able to open up more and express kindness onto other men.

And now? I am in the most incredible relationship with a man who out of everyone in the world chose to love and adore me!

Your action step for today

Now in the comments below, I would like to know from you one thing you can do today to practice more kindness to yourself? And bonus question, what is one way you could be kinder to men?

You can do it sweetie!

Elise xo

The Good Girl's Guide to Dealing With Jealousy

Jealousy & envy can hit the best of us at the most inconvenient times.

Have you ever been on a really good streak and then all of a sudden you see someone doing it harder, better and faster and you're like "Wtf!? What about me!?", or worse, "That fucking bitch, who does she think she is?!? I can do SO MUCH BETTER. ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!".

Wow have we all been there.

I can tell you about a few occasions I've had where I've been slapped in the face with the green eyed monster. It sucked balls. Big hairy balls.

In the early days when I was new to the acting industry, I made a new friend who was also an actress. She was bubbly and funny just like me and we hit it off straight away. We looked NOTHING alike and we totally supported each other through our journey.

Over time I noticed that she was getting a lot of auditions, there just seemed to be more work for her type. In the beginning I thought nothing of it and that my time would come. But after a while I started getting impatient wondering when my auditions were gonna come.

I started mentally noting down all the auditions she had and how many she got, it was my way of calculating how much self loathing I was gonna take into the shower that day. I became obsessed with comparing myself to her and what she was doing. 

I was driving myself nuts! Instead of concentrating on myself and my journey, I had a 24/7 subscription to what she was doing! And worst of all I made myself think that I wasn't good enough and that there wasn't anything special about me.

BIG NO NO.

Are you currently eyeing up someone else's life and all their goodies? Do you find yourself obsessing over what they're doing and achieving? Just between you and me, are you secretly jealous of their success?

This is totes normal and you should not be beating yourself up for it! Plus, I've got a few tips that'll clear this all up and get you back onto the path of YOUR awesome life!

Feel it out

We can tend to have the habit of going into serious denial when we're jealous. The funny thing is by trying to convince yourself you're not jealous, you feel more jealous. Ah frustrating!

Feelings are there for a reason, they are indicators of your awareness. Stifling them away makes them worse but going into them however, changes things up!

Allow yourself to feel the jealousy. Just feel it out. Doing this makes the feeling go away, it's crazy but it's true. You have to allow yourself to feel that part of you and once you do it's like this crazy instant shift happens and the feeling dimishes.

What are you jealous about?

So you know you're having jealousy issues and you need help. Try asking yourself what it is you're actually jealous of?

What is it about this person that's making you feel insecure and threatened? What are you scared you gonna lose? What is it about them that you feel you're missing out on? What do you want?

Understanding this about yourself helps you to think about your needs and how you can go about achieving them. You have every single thing you need, now it's time to start using those tools and resources.

Get journalling!

I LOVE my journals! And your journal is the place where you can map out your comeback plan. You answered the questions in the previous step, now's the time to create a strategy to get to where you want to be.

You should also write down your thoughts, how you feel, ideas and insight. You know the best way to work your way through this, allow yourself to do it.

What makes you awesome?

Another important thingy to do in your journal is to list out your strengths and write about what makes you so freakin' awesome!

It could be your ability to belch the alphabet or your incredible strength when it comes to athletics. Whatever it is, write it down. You are crazy talented at something, you have the beauty of the victoria's secret angels and you have the capacity to love the world - so show it to us and write it down!!

Re-focus your focus

Turn your focus all back around on to you. You're playing the role of YOU, not the audience member of someone else's life!

When you get centered back in on yourself, you forget about everyone else and your path becomes clearer. This is what being present does. So get zoned in on you in THIS moment because that's all you can take care of right now.

Potential role-model?

So, this is an extra tid-bit, some may like it, some may loathe it.

Have you ever thought about making the person you're jealous of your role-model? Have they got everything you want so much that you actually wanna wind up where they are? Why not include them in your journey? Turn it around completely  and infuse more power into your journey.

I did this with a few people I had envious feelings of and wound up becoming great friends with them AND they became a part of my journey and we both inspired each other to keep going! There seriously power in numbers.

If you start doing even one of these steps you will definitely notice a shift happening and a weight lifting and you will start getting yourself back on track!


Elise xo